Author: Ambre Jade

This is my new favourite thing on the internet:

So many sexual experiences are clouded by shame.  Shame affects us all, even when we least expect it. I have always been lucky in that the majority of my sexual experiences have been empowering. I feel very little shame when it comes to sex, or whom I am attracted to. It always shocks me when people say, “I can talk to you about this but I would never tell anyone else.” When I ask why, it is usually something along the lines of being judged by others.

I understand that not everyone was raised in a sexually empowered environment like I was. That not everyone talks as freely about sex and sexual experiences with those around them as I do. It is unfortunate. Sure, there will always be people who judge. I am judged constantly. I don’t care though. I have always lived counter culture, which means you either constantly fight to justify your choices are you just say, well fuck you. I am happy and don’t need your approval. All that to say the idea of shame is fairly alien to me.

And then, I read (some of) the comments on that fantastic video. In reading them, I started to understand why so many people are hesitant to enjoy the sexual experience. The random correlations that people seem to make with a woman embracing a one night stand is dumbfounding. As a woman, it offends me that the idea of my embracing a one night stand will cause all the children to conceive and hell to reign on earth. I suppose this is where the shame comes from. The ridiculous uneducated trolling of individuals who have nothing better to do than spit random consequences that have little or nothing to do with the sexual experience.

Is this why people feel shame? Because others make snap unfounded correlations between their sexual behaviour and the state of the world? Do people let others’ stupidity affect the enjoyment of their experience? I can’t speak for others or what motivates shame around the sexual experience. All I can do is not feel shame and continue enjoying my sexual self. If people are uncomfortable because of their own hang ups that is their problem and not mine.

This doesn’t mean you have to announce your experiences unless you want to. I just mean, we should not, especially women should not allow people to perpetuate the myths created false correlations between a lack of sexual shame and the downfall of society. Enjoy the sexual experience. Embrace it. If you are feeling shame, make sure that has to do with your own response and not one conditioned by the judgmental people surrounding us.

À bientôt,

Ambre Jade

Post Script: My intention in writing this was not the rant that it became. Stupid comments… I allow them to affect me more than I should sometimes.

Can consent really be taught? As the mother of a newly minted teenage boy, I often think about this. How can we teach our children abut consent when so many adult don’t even truly grasp the importance of it? Why is it such a challenge for people to understand consent? Are we so preoccupied with our own emotions, desires, wants, that we neglect the other people around us? In a world where you can get just about anything you want, and usually almost instantaneously, is it any surprise that consent is never really discussed?

Teaching consent to children is a challenge. We are constantly forcing them into situation in which they have little or no control. There are exceptions and I am making a huge generalisation but I stand by my perspective. From an early age when make them feel that their opinions don’t matter. This starts at infancy. Infants are passed around from family member to family member, friend to friend, mother to stranger. Children cry and we laugh about how much of a mama’s child they have already become. A child that age cannot voice consent and not everyone can read their children or give a moment’s thought to whether or noth the child consents to being passed around. It continues throughout children, “give aunty June a kiss” “Don’t touch that” “you HAVE to share your toys” simple run of the mill statements to our children, pave the way to their lack of understanding of consent and what it means. I know these statements are meant to teach children to share or show affection, but we forget to have an informed talk with our kids before barking orders at them. Could these violations of their consent pave the way to not understanding consent and its importance? I think so but that does not mean we should let our children do whatever they want. It is a hard balance between teaching and training, understanding and obedience. I am not going to preach about how to raise children, I am merely using this as an example to demonstrate that from an early age children are in situations where informed consent could be present but isn’t.

At a certain maturity niveau, children can understand consent at lot more than we give them credit for. We forget that as parents we can offer them more than direction and orders. We can talk with them about why we do certain things and explain the need for them to do them. Ask them how they feel about situations. Find a compromise. I don’t want to preach about parenting but rather show how parenting is an excellent opportunity to truly change how the future generation understands and implements informed consent.

Something to think about when dealing with children and consent, and the teaching of it. Consent cannot be taught in a do as I say and not as I do model. Look for future posts on understanding consent as an adult and within a sexual context.

À bientôt,

Ambre Jade